1. For most dogs they have a discreet feature connecting their body to their heads. It is called the neck. The dog’s neck is almost custom made to fit a range of collars and leads. No longer do you have to take your dog out on to a busy high street and let him walk in a dangerous (and illegal) manner, frightening worried onlookers as you ‘show off’ what a great dog owner you are by allowing your dog to walk ahead of or behind you and risking your dog causing an accident/being killed simply because you’re ‘too good’ to put your pet on a leash in public.

2. Most towns and cities have a small to medium sized building out of which a group of specially trained animal experts work. They are known as veterinarians and they have a fair to good understanding of many ailments and problems affecting dogs. With this knowledge, the next time your dog is showing signs of being genuinely ill, in discomfort, pain or close to death as a result of an injury or sickness you no longer have to ask for the advice of random people in your Facebook friend’s circle as to what to do about your dog who is clearly in desperate need of professional attention. So instead of posting a status update like,”My dog was stung by a bee and is now violently convulsing on the kitchen floor. What should I do? lol.” You can instead use the internet to find the address of one of these small buildings where veterinarians work from and they will actually be able to physically do something to stop your dog suffering.

3. Most dogs require food and water to operate in a functional and efficient manner. As a result they will sometimes need to demonstrate the full workings of a mammalian digestive system, leading to them depositing small parcels of digested food from the tiny hole that sits neatly at the base of the dog’s spine. In order to prepare for this quirky little habit, a small bag can be used to neatly collect the dog’s deposit which can then be safely placed in a refuse bin rather than simply gawking in amazement at how astonishing your dog’s bowel movements are before walking off and leaving a nasty pile of warmed up excrement for everyone else to navigate around.

4. Referring to hack number one, now you know about the head-to-body connection device on your dog – the neck – when your canine is running merrily in a public place and makes a beeline toward other dogs, people, children or wildlife you can avoid accidents, injuries and all round distress by teaching your dog to come back to you (a hack known as ‘dog training’) and utilising your dog’s head-to-body connection feature by temporarily installing a leash, thus giving you full control over your dog’s movements. This is a great way to avoid your dog getting bitten or preventing your own dog from playfully attempting to remove other dog’s heads from their own head-to-body connection mounts.

5. Most dogs have a great internal intelligence unit. It is commonly referred to as their brain. They use this device for learning and remembering things, things that you have the ability to input. One of the best uses of the internal intelligence unit is its ability to respond to clear, consistent commands which are then followed up with acknowledgements by you such as giving the dog something they enjoy. The internal intelligence unit has not yet been effectively modified enough to respond to repeated shouting from you as you stand, slack-jawed, observing your dog from a great distance whilst you simultaneously carry out a conversation on your mobile phone pausing randomly to bellow toward your run-away canine companion who is in the process of terrorising all pets, people and animals at a distance of about 1,000 yards from where you are.

Bonus hack: Your dog’s internal intelligence unit rarely breaks down. If your dog’s appears to have malfunctioned and the person standing opposite you behind the reception desk of your nearest animal shelter is nodding politely and seems to give the impression that this sort of thing happens regularly, it’s because they are being polite and they are nodding and smiling as they suppress the urge to inform you that they have goldfish in their care who are better informed and mentally adroit than you. The reality is, your dog does not need to be rehomed because ‘he’s too much of a handful’, it’s more the case that your own internal intelligence unit not fit for purpose.

Various examples of dogs with brilliantly functioning internal intelligence unit’s can be found at dogsblog.com.

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